The Gardener’s Revenge

The Gardener’s Revenge. June 2025.

The trouble all started when we were given the boot out of Eden for our prideful shenanigans and told we needed to get our own food from now on. No more easy picking off the tree as we please for us. We now had to grow our own food from the newly cursed ground. And on top that off we found ourselves in possession of yet unheard-of garden woes such as thorns and thistles and other such tiresome things. These garden plagues will continue until someday when these things are ironed out and the lion and lamb lay together and all is right again in God’s creation. But until then we gardeners must pay the price with enemies in the garden.

Toiling the ground by the sweat of your brow didn’t just mean hard labor. It also meant dealing with things such as slugs, aphids and moles just to name a few. My gardening resume includes a good amount of experience with all of these. There were the evil river slugs at our forest home that plagued us. My friend and I would compare notes on the damage they did. My troubles there ended when I planted a hedge of catmint to barricade those slugs from entry to the garden. But I have also learned that even the seemingly harmless garden friends can turn on you. One day new grass seed is set out and by the next morning someone has shared this news with all his bird friends who have all shown up for a huge breakfast of grass seed. If you garden, they will come.

City Squirrels and Country Squirrels

When we moved to Hidden Bluff one thing I noticed is the disparity between city animals and forest animals. The forest animals were a part of the natural landscape and for the most part did their own thing at a distance. The lone exception being the bear who rifled through people’s garbage which he then littered the road with, a routine he continued on a weekly basis until he finally moved on to the next village. But forest animals generally did forest things. Forest squirrels were fit and foraged their own food as squirrels should. They would stand under our tall fir tree out back, spinning those pinecones quickly around in their tiny paws with an expertise and finesse that could rival an Italian pizza maker before tossing the core into a nearby pile. Needless to say, I had little trouble with critters in the garden other than slugs.

City squirrels, however, are not the same. These squirrels don’t seem to chatter a lot. This I suspect this is because their greedy mouths are always full of something. These cheeky, overly plump city squirrels don’t believe in nature. They prefer the ease of human industrialization in the form of a 50 lb. bag of peanuts. At my folk’s house nearby the little beggars would press their noses up to windows, a paw on either side of that chipper face, peering through wondering where breakfast is. Never mind that a big tree full of pinecones was out back. These fellows knew where the all you can eat breakfast was at. I’m pretty sure squirrel families occupied every tree in their yard.

Becoming my nemesis

When it comes to the nature vs. nurture debate, I am a little of both. However, in my family nature took a perverse turn and set forth some gene in our ancestral halls that has produced a number of squirrel lovers in our family. I don’t possess this gene. In fact, I would happily ship all squirrels at Hidden Bluff first class on the next greyhound bus to the squirrel lovers. They clearly have never gardened with tulip bulbs, or they would be seeing red too and I don’t mean the tulips.

Those little garden demons even chased me. Once when I was walking, I turned around and a whole group of them was following me in a gang like fashion. They tried to climb up my leg in an attempt to rob me of whatever food they were convinced I had. Positive I was about to be murdered by squirrels I ran. They chased me for a bit, but fortunately I was in good running shape and these chubby guys weren’t. I got away. Understandably, squirrels and I are not friendly.

The trouble really got going when they got into the new tulip bulbs. I was proud of that row of pink tulips I had planted at our new home. They dug up the bulbs and the tulips that did come up they munched in half. It was irritating, but I didn’t get too dramatic about it understanding by this point in life that things can and do happen. However, there came another day when I set out a splendid array of ranunculus corms, I had ordered months before for the front yard. I had visions of them dancing prettily in the afternoon sun. It never occurred to me that squirrels might find them tasty.

So, after setting them out I went back in the house only to come out a bit later and to empty holes in the ground where I had planted them. Those rascals had dug every last one up for lunch. At this point my garden blood was beginning to boil. Those ranunculus corms were imported from Europe. I don’t eat imported European lunches after all and neither were those squirrels going to.

The squirrels further carried out their nonsense on our deck where they made a flying leap from the nearby arborvitae to gain access to our upper deck. A perpetual mess was everywhere as they buried their peanuts in our potted plants and sprayed the deck with dirt. Likely, those peanuts came from a squirrel lover in the neighborhood that I have yet to identify. My poor geraniums grown from seed didn’t stand a chance to those sharp tiny claws. I have repeatedly asked my husband to cut down that arborvitae since.

Getting ahead of things

The furry thieves would also come along and promptly dig up the seeds I planted. Three times I planted corn seeds and each time the squirrels dug the seeds up and ate them. Finally, I read about a most wonderful invention I like to call critter cloth. So off to the home supply store I went where I purchased a jumbo roll of 100 feet. Staking a double layer of critter cloth down, we soon had corn growing. It was also necessary to cover every raised bed if we were to have any sort of garden because the squirrels dearly loved to dig in the beds as well. Consequently, I used the whole roll of critter cloth to ensure our garden stayed safe.

Even my non-gardening husband was getting riled up and talked of taking preventative measures. He talked of getting a bb gun because those squirrels were costing us good money plus, he saw a neighbor using one to scare squirrels out of his garden. Not wishing to get on the neighborhood’s bad side, I went and bought another 100-foot roll of critter cloth. Additionally, I ordered from Amazon a 5 lb. container of the hottest cayenne pepper available. I had ordered nearly 100 tulip bulbs and was not going to have them go into some squirrel’s tummy. When I planted the bulbs that fall, I went on the offense.

The gardener’s revenge

For two hours I labored over those bulbs, digging them in and spacing them in nice rows. After that I took a long piece of critter cloth and folded it a few times to quadruple the thickness. I was taking no chances. It was staked tightly to the ground at every foot on both sides, looking as if I used a giant staple gun. Then a thick layer of cayenne pepper went on top. I made sure to cover every square inch. As I laid in bed that night, I chortled away at diabolical visions of squirrels with fiery red-hot mouths racing to the nearest water source as due punishment for trying to eat our bulbs. Not a Christian thought, I know. But those bulbs stayed untouched all winter.

When the leaves began coming up in February it was time to remove the cloth. But another layer of cayenne pepper went down while they continued to grow undisturbed. I decided to plant ranunculus again as well. This time a thick layer of cayenne covered those corms. I am sure that anyone who wandered by our home would wonder why the entirety of our soil in the front yard was vermilion. But in the end, I conquered. A thick row of pink tulips bloomed defiantly, daring the squirrels to touch even one of them. They still hover in the background with the occasional offense, but we know keep them in their place. The garden prospers and peace reigns for the moment.

Have a beautiful day!

The gardener’s revenge