Building Bridges with People

In my own life building bridges with people started in earnest twenty-six years ago when I found myself getting extremely uncomfortable with another culture. I was marrying my high school sweetheart who was a Cambodian immigrant and his family was not happy about a mixed marriage. To be fair, my husband and I caught them off guard. If we had to do it over again, we wouldn’t make the same mistake. Also, I don’t want to single them out here because in the 90s many people both white and non-white still struggled with the idea of mixed marriages. Of particular concern was the issue that marrying outside the culture would add a tremendous load of issues including kids caught between cultures which is an absolutely valid concern. A lot has changed since then; however, at the time there was a huge chasm between us and no way across.

Things did not go smoothly at the start as there was silence between us for a year. Then dad finally called. It would be nice if all were forgiven right then and there with rainbows and unicorns, but the work was just beginning. There was lots of yelling in Cambodian as I sat on the stairs at age 22 wondering what in the world I had gotten myself into. It was a good, old-fashioned case of culture shock. When I think of the kind of person I was which was a rule-following, conservative, good girl it was laughable that I found myself in that situation. God spoke to me on those stairs. He said you can sit there and do nothing and things will not go to well or you can get up and get to work. I grudgingly got off the stairs and got to work. Best decision ever.

Today I adore my Cambodian family and respect them immensely. I am so proud to be a part of their family, and I know they love me as well. We did not get to this place overnight though. It was a lot of hard work as well as recognizing a few hardcore realities about interracial relationships. Thankfully, in spite of all my immature opinions there was an infant desire to build bridges that was waiting to come out. Deep down inside was a desire to connect with others even when we are at odds. It has always been there waiting for an opportunity to blossom out. My husband’s family was important to him and he was willing to marry me in spite of the social consequences. I did not want to make him choose. That narrative was not an option. We needed to build a bridge.

And what does building bridges with people look like? There are plenty of those who like to burn them, but what about us people who are willing to dive in the trenches and get dirty? What are the ways we meaningfully connect with others? Silence obviously won’t work. I speak from experience. Ostracizing those we don’t agree with definitely won’t work and also breeds fear and suspicion. Moral superiority, narcissism and arrogance will only guarantee deaf ears. I still cringe that I have told people to educate themselves, a common thing these days but reeks of arrogance. I need to go educate my own self before telling others to. Through trial by fire I have learned the following which have been extraordinarily important in my complex life.

Building bridges with people and the reality

Accept and make peace with the fact that you are often not going to agree and that’s okay. That is putting it mildly. There are going to be times where you think something another person does is stupid, the end. It has happened on my end, on others’ end. It happens all around the world everyday- if we are being honest. Acknowledging that and accepting that people, all people, have the right to their natural feelings is a huge, important step to moving forward. When people are allowed to have their own feelings, they are much more open to a relationship. When they feel defensive, they are not, period.

Be open to learning. Instead of rejecting differences, learn about them. This is hard because we all think differently. For example, Asian time is a real thing. My husband’s family jokes about it. Basically, they are on their own schedule with no clock involved. Many here is the U.S. might view that as inconsiderate. It was when I went back to college and took Anthropology that I learned why this is. In Asian culture time is not a major function like it is in the U.S. Not to mention that focusing on it may be viewed as antisocial. In Asian culture they are being considerate and not valuing time over people. Wow! I learned something new.

Remember your opinions are based on your world view and are not facts. What you have learned in life is your narrative. It does not naturally follow that everyone else has had the same experience. It is natural to think that things should be a certain way as we are all shaped by that. Kang’s narrative has been shaped by a war, genocide, immigration, and poverty, so he naturally sees things very differently than me who didn’t grow up with that. I grew up in the 70’s U.S. middle class on the heels of several social revolutions including racism, war, and feminism. I still have to remind myself that my opinions are based on those experiences and not his and vice versa.

Listen, listen, listen. This probably should be first. Another area I am still working on. We all want our voices to be heard, but the problem is a very noisy world and people will go into survival mode and start to tune you out. The messages may be important but will be useless if it isn’t getting through. Listening is a choice and is work. It is a two-way street. The last few years I have begun to work harder at active listening more (meaning I am not thinking of what I am going to say or why they are wrong). Asking questions is a great way to get people talking and practice this! This is one I pull out when I go out for a run in the neighborhood and have learned so much about other people. So, encourage your natural curiosity and wonder by listening for real

Empathize. Perhaps we don’t even realize how unrelationable our habits are. Unless someone tells us directly the only real way to check that is by really trying to put ourselves in the other person’s shoes and seeing how it might sound from their end. There’s this little thing called empathy that is particularly important in communication. My whole life I’ve felt caught in the middle because I am a natural empathizer. Empathy is the ability to share and understand the feelings of others. Most of us have it to some degree, and some more than others. Empathy requires imagination and compassion. Try to picture yourself in the other person’s shoes and how you might react. Some of my opinion changing moments have come from simply imagining how the other person might feel. It is absolutely enlightening.

Building bridges with people in an ongoing process but one that leads to a lot of self-actualization and tremendous blessing. Now more than ever we all need to step up and work at connecting with others. Have a meaningful week!